2016年11月。深夜、机に向かっていた。尾道の 本と音楽 紙片 で催される個展に向けて絵を描いていた。描きながら、ふいになつかしい感覚におそわれた。今わたしがいる場所を知ってる…どこだろう？手を動かしながらあれこれ記憶を巡らせた。そして思い出した。そこは、2010年の個展「真夜中」の場所だった。それに気がついたとき、思わず笑った。嬉しかった。自分にもそういう場所があることをそのときはじめて知った。
「耳をとじて」は、6年ぶりの個展だった。
2016年の終わり。「いっしょに本を作りたいです」と、紙片での個展を観た えほんやるすばんばんするかいしゃ の荒木さん、純子さんから長いメールをいただいた。2017年2月、ふたりは、わたしが参加している岡山でのグループ展も観にきてくれて、会場近くの喫茶店で3時間くらい話をした。その帰り道、真冬の高速を運転しながら「この話は本当に進むかもしれない」と信じ始めたのを覚えている。それまでの長いあいだ、誰にどんな“良い話”をされてもほとんど真に受けなかった。一喜一憂したくなかった。それは、ポケットに両手を突っ込んだままつっ立っているような気分だった。
無名のわたしに「個展をしませんか」と紙片の寺岡さんが声をかけてくれた。そこに荒木さん純子さんが加わり作品集を作ることになった。そしてデザイナーのサイトヲさんが現れた。その膨大な作業のなかで、わたし以上にわたしの絵を観たひとたちだ。自分が描いた絵がそれほどの労力を費やす対象となることに慣れず、赤くなったり青くなったりした。そうして2018年の冬まで2年をかけて、わたしは、長い間ポケットに突っ込んだままになっていた両手をそろそろと出すようになり、塵やらゴミやらまでいっしょに出して、きっと、本当に久しぶりに自分の両手を見たのだ。もう完全にジタバタしていた。
2020年始め。「Close Your Ears」の紙片版「Close to My Ears」。そして新しい本「AGEHA」。同じメンバーで、この2冊の本造りが本格的に動き出した。「Close Your Ears」発行から1年以上たち、最近ようやく少し落ち着いた気持ちで、この最初の作品集を手にとれるようになった。この文章は1年間ずっと書き直し続けていた。そのまま、途切れることなくゆっくり進み出している。貴重な歳月が続く。
ポケットにはまだ何かあるはずだ。わけのわからないものが。それらを指先でつまんでおもしろがってくれる本造りのメンバーに、心から感服し、感謝しています。そして、塵ゴミが払われて美しく仕上がった1冊が、誰かの手に届くことを、心から幸せに思います。
文｜杉本さなえ
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Continuation of "Midnight". Taking out of my hands from my pockets.
Text : Sanae Sugimoto
It was November 2016, at my desk at midnight.
I was drawing for the solo exhibition which will be held in Shihen Onomichi.
Suddenly I had a feeling I've had before, I've been here before... Where was it?
Going around and around my memories while I was drawing.
Then I found out that it was the place where I was in a solo exhibition "Mayonaka (Midnight)" in 2010.
I was smiling to myself when I realised that, also somehow was glad to know it.
It was the first experience to know I have that place in myself.
"Close Your Ears" in Shihen was my solo exhibition after 6 years.
Around the end of 2016, I received a long email from Kenta and Junko Araki,
the owners of Ehonya Rusuban Bansuru Kaisha,
that they would like to make a book with me.
They came to see my group exhibition in Okayama in February 2017.
We met for the first time there, had a long talk in a cafe about 3 hours or more.
On the way back to my home, driving on the highway in cold winter,
I remember I've started to believe that this might be going to happen for real.
Until then, I didn't take seriously "good offers or stories" for a long time.
I didn't want to get too excited or disappointed because of those.
It was like standing still alone and my both hands are in my pockets.
Keisuke Teraoka, the owner of Shihen gave me a message to ask me
to hold a solo exhibition in his shop even though I was not a popular artist.
Then later, Kenta and Junko Araki visited the exhibition and joined us to make an idea of publishing a book happen.
Lastly, Hideyuki Saito appeared as a designer.
They have spent a lot of time looking at my drawings more than me in their enormous amount of process.
I and also my drawing weren't used to be the ones for taking that huge effort,
so I often felt embarrassed or got even scared.
Winter in 2018, "Close Your Ears" was published.
My hands in my pockets which were there for a long time started to come out
little by little within this two years, with even dusts or something else.
I saw my hands by myself after a long time. I didn't know what to do at the time.
Early 2020, we have started to make two books "Close to my ears ",
which is an another version of "Close Your Ears", and a new book called "AGEHA".
It's been almost more than a year since we published "Close Your Ears".
Recently, I'm finally able to look at it in a calm state of mind.
I kept writing this blog and correcting my sentences so many times for a year.
I see everything keeps going without a pause.
Precious moments were piled up and they would be from now on.
There should still be something in my pockets.
Something unknown or maybe something meaningless.
The members which made the book picked up dusty something from my pockets with curiosity.
I do have a huge respect and can't appreciate them enough.
I am grateful and happy that this beautiful book,
which they have wiped the dust away is now in someone's hands.
English Translation : Junko Araki
